Afterhour Nightmares

Something doesn't feel right. I can't find the beauty in things that have kept me so pure. Things like reading books, taking walks around the park, or writing something creative are just... getting very dull. Without those core parts, it seems as though time passes from one event to another, with sadness in the gaps. To the point where I'm asking myself, "do I even wanna get up today"? I guess this sums it up, something I wrote a long time ago. Wish I could still write..

"Words fight to break through my throat, never a clue what to say. Laughing away the silence on my behalf. Searching for answers and ending up with questions. Asking who am I  [who am I]? I'll never fill this hole until I unveil this shield that I hide behind." Whoo, well I guess some sleep will do some good, night :/ BTW place in photo is amazing, favorite place <3

Unbalanced

Updates on my life, I got my wisdom teeth pulled out on Monday and well I really miss chewing food and also not looking like a chipmunk.  -_- Also previous to that I got back from Sonshine that's up in Wilmar, Minnesota, this past Sunday and it was so amazing to come home and scrub off all the dirt. It was a pleasent vacation with the girlfriend and some friends, although If I do go next year I think knowing more of the bands will make me enjoy it more. I'm just glad I didn't get sun burned like the others, LOVE sunscreen :). The only thing I can really complain about right now is that I'm taking pain medication for my wisdom teeth being pulled and it's making me a emotional wreck. I've been crying at every little small thing, losing energy spontaneously, and then all of a sudden getting really hyper and talkative. Right now, I'm currently down, I don't know whether it's being alone, the nighttime, or this medication elevating my emotions but all I feel like doing is listening to my favorite depressing song, Call It a Day - The Racontuers and just falling asleep for a couple days. Anyway sorry if this completely boring and useless blog, goodbye for now.

The Next Step?

It's already the middle of the summer and two things frighten me. One, is that I've been trying to find a job for the past probably six months and still have had shitty success. I have had my hopes answered and then smashed after I went to the Bloomington Job Fair and actually managed to get a job at Sonic. Lets just say that their organization skills only gave me a couple training hours of two months of being employed there. It's seriously frustrating after applying for so many jobs and being denied time after time. I know part of the reason is my lack of social skills but I mean what better why to improve those then set me out there to work with customers. My fear is that I wouldn't be able to manage to get one by the end of summer. My anxiety is constantly worrying about money, about wishing I could take my girlfriend out for dinner, or wishing for that cute shirt while stopping with friends, or wishing to go to a concert. I just don't understand why no one ever seems interested when I try really hard in school and throughout my daily life. I sometimes hear about certain people slacking at their jobs and I'm just like are you serious... I would work ten times harder then that and would be very dedicated to work, but it just doesn't work that way...Oh well I will still continue my search for a job, I wouldn't give up. Wish me luck. :)

Sweetest Sixteen

November 18th 2009 - Unknown ..

On that day above, I managed to gather the courage to ask this lady out and it has been worth everything I could possibly imagine. She rescued me and has helped me more then anyone through out my whole life. By introducing me to all types of foods, places, some really cool people, and great music. I may not be outgoing as she needs but she has been patient with me and it gets easier every day.There is a lot of positive qualities that she posses that, I think sometimes are overlooked. We are currently going through some hard stuff but I believe we can get through it.. Or that's what I keep telling myself through difficult days. Anyways there is no doubt she makes me happy, you'd have to be blind not see it or even feel it. Her simple attention of kisses and random hugs are sure to put a smile on my face. I'll never forget the way her eyes beam back at me or how beautiful they are. How utterly beautiful she is. I consider myself really lucky to be with her though I doubt even she believes that.  There are so many things and places I wanna go / experience with her. Even boring things like taking walks in the park are something I wanna treasure with her because it's what I grew up on. I may not have much to give her but I try to make it up with all the little things like opening the door for her or drawing a picture for her. I'm still madly in love with her and it's almost been eight months, on my behalf at least, I ain't going anywhere soon. So this is to my girlfriend, I love you Briana Nicole Busho, with all my heat.

Fresh Air

While I was working on a project for Biology I discovered some ridiculous facts. I had to do a comic strip on an a current environmental issue and I choose to do this thing called the Great Pacific Garbage Patch which is a garbage pile in the ocean filled with approximately 3.5 million tons of trash (roughly the size of Texas). Two things really stuck out to me when researching this, one that 80% of this garbage pile is plastic and two that less then 5% of plastic is recycled globally! Knowing these two things have been eating me alive at night with ways that I could try to help. I think I wanna try to set up a Green Club at school with about five main ideas that have been spiraling in my head. One is to set up a recycling system throughout the school with creating recycling bins that are easily obtained and find a way to get it a recycling plant. An idea occurred that maybe we could make some money off of this because I know back in the old days that you could receive money by bringing in glass bottles and such. This would hopefully help with the transportation costs. My second idea is to create tiny projects on things like what you can and can't recycle and helpful tips on ways to improve your daily habits so you can become more Eco friendly and display them on posters around the school. My third idea was inspired by this commercial http://entenza.com/demand which makes me want to try to raise money and either send it to an organization that helps with clean energy or take it into our own hands and possibly plant new trees. These are rough ideas but some desire in me really wants to make this happen. I know this would be a ton of work and require a lot of help but my goal is for this to work out and help with our Earth a little. I mean it's my home..

Sleep Deprivation

Lost faith eagerly pulls her down
as they bury her alive without remorse.
Her eyes plead for the unspoken words
of all those who drowned her in sorrow.

I grasp what is left behind
Wreaked and weak fragments
of the girl I once loved.

Change grabs a hold with razor sharp teeth.
Digging right through all the past smiles.
Suffocating in the dull half presence
of her heart, I whisper for an angel.

^^This speaks thousands of words to me and took a lot of time to write to get it right. It's about my personal life and this is the easiest way to express myself. It may not be good or make since but at least I feel like I told someone exactly whats going on without negative outcomes. Secretly, I wish that the stuff I write makes a impact in some ones life in at least a slight way. I just hope things get better this summer, like what was promised.